The good news is that USPS has put considerable effort into a new tracking system. 

The bad news is they might have overcorrected. 

I signed up for email notifications for the status of my package. I’ve been getting 4 emails a day telling me where the box is. I didn’t think there was such a thing as too much tracking information, but they are giving it their best shot. 

I’m worried my inbox is going to label them as spam soon.

• Dave just ran your package to the conveyor!
  
• Your package is on the truck.
  
• Steve is filling the truck with fuel. Pretty sure it’s diesel. 
  
• We can confirm it was diesel. 
  
• Steve just crossed the state line. If your package was contraband you have now committed a federal crime.
  
• Your package is at a rest stop. Steve was sleepy.
  
• Steve is back on the road! Currently listening to Fallout Boy. Do you like their new song? I think it’s catchy.
  
• Your package is now in Canada.
  
• Just kidding! It’s in Kansas.
  
• Steve is on your street!
  
• Steve is in your driveway!
  
• Steve is at your door!
  
• Knock knock. 
  
• Who’s there? 
  
• Your package! 
  
• Your package who? 
  
• Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? Also, sign here.
  
• Mission accomplished. Enjoy that dildo.
  
• Just kidding. We don’t know if it is a dildo. The x-ray was inconclusive.
  
• I’m just emailing you to say hi.