Listen. I need to talk to you about the movie “Magic Mike XXL.” I say “movie,” but of course it is so much more than a movie. “Magic Mike XXL” is an experience. It is a promise. It is a gift. It is Our Garbage to a degree I never hitherto imagined possible. “Magic Mike XXL” slams out of the gate with Channing Tatum doing an improvised welding furniture-jumping Flashdance update to “Pony.” Why? Because he feels it. Because of passion. Later, Joe Manganiello does a routine I do not want to spoil for you, but trust that I saw at least a dozen women in the audience raising their hands helplessly over their heads like we were at a goddamn tent revival. In fact, I saw this MANY times. I myself realized at one point that my hands were floating over my head, having completely bypassed my conscious mind in the call to prayer. At one point, a super-high but passionately sincere Channing Tatum explains that STRIPPING HAS TO COME FROM THE HEART, like, when he danced to “Pony” by Ginuwine, it was because he saw a beautiful girl with a dude who sucked, and he simply could not resist demonstrating, with his body, the things he would respectfully request to do to that girl. This movie spends a solid 45 minutes in Jada Pinkett Smith’s Subscription Bordello, where, to reward u for the achievement of being a woman, Michael Strahan and tWitch from “So You Think You Can Dance” will make sweet simulated broad-shouldered love to you before passing you off to Donald Glover to have your life lovingly shirtless-freestyled with lots of eye contact. This movie genuinely wants to assure you that, when beautiful men are alone, they love to talk with each other about how women have it tough and how the best thing they (men) can do is ASK women what they WANT and then DO that THING. That’s their favorite conversational topic. Men love talking about that, with each other. This movie can almost convince you that Matt Bomer – who you know is happily married, with children, to a dude – could genuinely enjoy going down on you, just out of the goodness of his heart and the intensity of his love and respect for women. This movie takes SEVERAL seconds out of its POV-camera intense grinding striptease sequences to focus on the delighted faces of the striptease recipients, so u, the female viewer, do not have to wonder “Is she okay with this? Is that too much crotch in her face and mine? Is she having fun?” SHE IS, this movie takes time to assure you. She is and we are making that a priority.

Just incidentally, not even a major plot point, Jada Pinkett Smith [channelling Cher in Burlesque in the BEST way] and Elizabeth Banks are sexually involved in this movie, NBD. Please see Magic Mike. Please love yourself as much as this movie loves you. Happy Fourth of July.