Ex Astris Scientia — I love the fear-summoning rituals in the Magnus...

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
im-a-medicinecat-martin
future-crab

I love the fear-summoning rituals in the Magnus Archives. When you first hear about them you sort of assume they’re these ancient, intricate rites that have to be carried out in a very specific way, but as the show goes on you realize that no one knows what they’re doing, and avatars are all just trying to do something Fucked Up enough to rip a hole in reality.

Like, the Flesh really went, “What if we threw a whole bunch of meat in a hole? Just way too much meat. Do you think that would work?”

armchair-factotum

Things People Tried To Summon Their Favorite God in The Magnus Archives:

- Meat Hole

- Very Hot Lady

- Fortnite Building in the Middle of Nowhere

- Build a Second Sun But Like, the Opposite?

- Even Bigger Hole (with less meat)

- World's Worst Apartments

- Haunted Murder Boat

- Clown Prom

- Run Forever (forget to finish ritual)

- Traumatize Some Nerd (this one worked)

More you might like

im-a-medicinecat-martin
lesbianshepard

funniest statements from the magnus archives in no particular order: 

  • spiders, but they hate you personally
  • that one guy who was paid to keep a clearly fucked up coffin in his living room and just decided to fucking ignore the weird shit. (king)
  • band that is so bad at music that you die
  • a pile of worms stole my phone and texted my coworkers
  • man who admits he killed another man because he had a spooky vampire name
  • guy who felt the need to just dunk on this one guy for 10 minutes because he was a shitty drug mule. he also got his bones stolen. this is only mentioned at the very end.
  • twink with knife hands (cool)
  • Two random men walked in and stole my shipping company
  • fucked up monsters taking an anatomy class but are very polite and on time so its cool and sort of endearing. 
  • jon talking about how he has childhood trauma about an evil spider monster. only funny because i’m binge listening to this podcast and last week listened to him make fun of how stupid the idea of an evil spider monster is
  • bone stealing man shows up again and opens a gym to help people get fucking shredded. 
  • the plumber who shows up to the middle of a creepy monster circus in the middle of the night, looks at the pipes overflowing with blood, goes “there’s your problem” and just fucking pulls out a mass of flesh and then…leaves.
  • they literally just let him leave 
  • monsters have to invite him back to try and kill him again because he was so unfazed the first time
sazandorable

i’m super fond of the tax auditor who investigates a shop run by a gang of changeling creatures, notices the fake human in charge is acting weird but goes hey my nephew is autistic i get it no eye contact that’s cool no worries, and eventually concludes that whatever it is they’re doing in that shop it wasn’t tax fraud so it’s Not His Problem

macadamiamilkenema
lesbianshepard

funniest statements from the magnus archives in no particular order: 

  • spiders, but they hate you personally
  • that one guy who was paid to keep a clearly fucked up coffin in his living room and just decided to fucking ignore the weird shit. (king)
  • band that is so bad at music that you die
  • a pile of worms stole my phone and texted my coworkers
  • man who admits he killed another man because he had a spooky vampire name
  • guy who felt the need to just dunk on this one guy for 10 minutes because he was a shitty drug mule. he also got his bones stolen. this is only mentioned at the very end.
  • twink with knife hands (cool)
  • Two random men walked in and stole my shipping company
  • fucked up monsters taking an anatomy class but are very polite and on time so its cool and sort of endearing. 
  • jon talking about how he has childhood trauma about an evil spider monster. only funny because i’m binge listening to this podcast and last week listened to him make fun of how stupid the idea of an evil spider monster is
  • bone stealing man shows up again and opens a gym to help people get fucking shredded. 
  • the plumber who shows up to the middle of a creepy monster circus in the middle of the night, looks at the pipes overflowing with blood, goes “there’s your problem” and just fucking pulls out a mass of flesh and then…leaves.
  • they literally just let him leave 
  • monsters have to invite him back to try and kill him again because he was so unfazed the first time
sazandorable

i’m super fond of the tax auditor who investigates a shop run by a gang of changeling creatures, notices the fake human in charge is acting weird but goes hey my nephew is autistic i get it no eye contact that’s cool no worries, and eventually concludes that whatever it is they’re doing in that shop it wasn’t tax fraud so it’s Not His Problem

soft-and-certain
urfaveisunfuckable

image

jurgen leitner? stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner? goddamn fool book collecting dust eating rat old bastard shithead idiot avatar of the whore biggest clown in the circus laughed out of town cowboy motherfucking jurgen leitner from the magnus archives is unfuckable!

anonymoustypewriter

@fakecrfan​ i think your fans will have something objectively awful to say about this and I *deeply* wish to see it

fakecrfan

uh oh I Dearly Hope this doesn’t provoke the jurgenfuckers that follow me 👀

cathasdepression

HOW CAN JURGEN LEITNER BE UNFUCKABLE?! YOU FUCKING PONGO?? YOU CALL HIM A WHORE AND YET CLAIM HE IS UNFUCKABLE?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT SEX IS?! HE OWNS A GOD DAMN LIBRARY, YOU THINK PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO SUCK HIS DICK?! YOU FUCKING PIGEON?? GERRY KEAY IS A LITERAL REDDIT USER AND YET JURGEN IS THE ONE WHO DOESN’T FUCK?! WHY DO YOU THINK GERTRUDE KEPT HIM AROUND? HE ATE PUSSY LIKE MONSTER PIG EATS CLOWNS. REMEMBER WHEN NIKOLA SKINNED HIM?! SHE DIDN’T SKIN HIS BODY, SHE CIRCUMCISED HIM CAUSE HE HAD SUCH A LARGE COCK. FUCK YOU. JURGEN LEITNER IS A WHORE AND YOU WILL ACCEPT THAT FACT. YOU MOTHERFUCKING FATHERFUCKING GRANDMAFUCKING FOOL.

ERIC WAS A CUCK, JURGEN FUCKED MARY ON THE REGULAR. MARY WAS A CUCK, JURGEN FUCKED ERIC ON THE REGULAR. IF GERRY EVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND, WHICH IS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY, JURGEN PROBABLY FUCKED HER.

anonymoustypewriter

I appreciate you so much and this is my tribute to your very correct and valid opinions

theboombutton

Excuse me.

Avatars don’t necessarily embody the entities they serve. Mike Crew is a short king. Oliver Banks had all but Become long before he actually killed anyone. What avatars do is spread the fear of their patron.

So if Leitner is an avatar of the Whore, that tells us not that he personally fucks, but rather that he makes people afraid of fucking. Such as by, for example, being so unfuckable that once you’ve seen him, it ruins the concept of sex forever.

See this in the app Show more