27. Astrophysicist, writer, artist. Michigan. Business inquiries: kaijunobiz@gmail.com
no more ‘vampires who correct history books’
more vampires who don’t remember
more vampires saying ‘i don’t fucking know man, google it’
more vampires not remembering important historical figures
more vampires not recalling centuries worth of history
more vampires saying ‘ that was at least 300 years ago, how the FUCK could i remember that detail?’
more vampires whose brains work like human brains
More vampires who 300 years later can’t remember what was the truth and what was the lie they told to get out of trouble.
More vampires who are like, “I don’t know, man, I spent most of that decade in an opium den.”
More vampires who weren’t paying attention because they didn’t think it would be important.
More vampires who don’t know because there was lot of conflicting gossip and they don’t want to point any fingers.
More vampires who are just bad at dates. “Back in 1620, or was it 1645, wait, what year is it now?”
More vampires who were on a totally different continent when it happened, so get off their back and stop asking them questions already.
More vampires who 300 years later can’t remember what was the truth and what was the lie they told to get out of trouble.
More vampires who are like, “I don’t know, man, I spent most of that decade in an opium den.”
More vampires who weren’t paying attention because they didn’t think it would be important.
More vampires who don’t know because there was lot of conflicting gossip and they don’t want to point any fingers.
More vampires who are just bad at dates. “Back in 1620, or was it 1645, wait, what year is it now?”
More vampires who were on a totally different continent when it happened, so get off their back and stop asking them questions already.
YES to all of this but also consider: vampires who only remember the most trivial stuff.
“Oh yeah, the only thing I remember about the American Revolution was this nice candlemaker I met sometime, and she was wearing this really cute red shawl…”
“Uhhh I don’t remember much about the fall of Rome but there was this one fucking cobblestone right outside the coliseum…”
Also consider: vampires who realize three or four hundred years after the fact that they knew someone famous.
Just sits up in bed one night screaming “THAT WAS GEORGE GODDAMN WASHINGTON”
what’s with all these stories of hundred plus year old vampires falling in love with teenagers like yes they might LOOK your age but you’ve got a few centuries of maturity on them I want vampires falling in love with 40 year old suburban housewives and business executives and preschool teachers not high school students
vampires falling in love with spry 90-year-old great-grandmothers
(x)
In the Twilight universe, “vegetarian” vampires have golden eyes from drinking animal blood, a more ethical source than human blood, which would give them red eyes. It has also been established that a diet of human blood makes vampires physically stronger. So, if the Cullens wanted to become stronger without jeopardizing their morals, could they consume mosquitoes instead? How many mosquitoes would they have to eat to survive? Since mosquitoes drink from both humans and animals, what color would their eyes be? Orange? In this essay, I will
on average an adult has about 4.5-5.5 liters of blood circulating in their body. a female mosquito, when completely full, can hold up to 0.001-0.01 milliliters of blood in their abdomen depending on the species. if we take the average of both (5 liters & 0.0055 milliliters), it would take around 909,090 mosquitos to equal the amount of blood in a single human. although there isnt an exact number of the entirety of the mosquito population, we can use fermi estimation. there is about 57 million square miles of total land area on earth, while say 50 million square miles are habitable for mosquitos. with a rough of estimate of 1 mosquito per 50 square feet (overestimate due to area and time of year). after multiplying the numbers and fixing the units, there is a rough estimated 70 quadrillion mosquitos. theoretically, if a vampire lived in a mosquito dense area, such as brazil, indonesia, malaysia, thailand, etc, and could sustainably hunt around a million mosquitos to fill themselves every time they needed to feed, there would be enough mosquitos to survive on due to their large population and fast reproduction.
This is honestly everything I have ever wanted thank you for your contribution to the cause
Hey guys I think I figured out why vampires can turn into bats
This “article” based on a conversation I had with @marsixm is the craziest thing I have ever written (finally topping the novel-length Jonas Brothers fan fiction I wrote a decade ago). I hope it will be my legacy.
folks,
this is the most important piece of music journalism of our lifetime
Giving their neighbors their rations claiming that the government fucked up that week because they noticed that they’re going without trying to feed their kids.
Signing up for the draft cuz, “Fuck it. We can’t die by their weapons anyway. I’ll fight for the country I’ve lived in for the past century.”
Vampire nurses who know when the blood’s gone bad or what type of blood you need (because blood typing was fairly new during WWII).
The baby faced forever 18 vampire siting with the older soldiers cuz he’s seen the same shit they’ve seen, even though he can’t tell them. They’re all watching the young “I’m going to be a hero” boys, sadly waiting for the ball to drop.
The vampire that has to explain how he was the only survivor in the ambush and why the enemy is torn to shreds.
The vampire solider, holding his best mate since his childhood begging and crying, “Please, let me do this.” But his mate won’t let him because he’s more afraid of living forever and watching the world move on without him.
Then, 70 years later, they come to the memorial, to commemorate everyone that fought, everyone that fell, and an old man looks at him strangely and says, “You look just like your Grandfather.”
PLEASE THIS IS THE KIND OF VAMPIRE STORY I WANT TO READ
*GOSH*
Y E S
And now im crying
So vampires don’t show up in film or mirrors, right? What if that applies to literally any kind of sensor. You got some 2000-year-old emissary of the night cussing out an automatic soap dispenser.
automatic doors. AUTOMATIC DOORS
Those light switches that shuts down when they sense lack of activity.
look i don’t know how reliable a source of information this website is but the idea that you can easily get rid of vampires in your home just by telling them they’re not welcome anymore is extremely funny to me
if a vampire came into my house and tried to drain my blood. well i would simply say no thank you.
i think vampires and mad scientists should kiss eachother
i think they should bite each other for fucked up results
i think youre right
