@1-800-wish-a-nigga-would That’s absolutely right Phil, it can even fix a broken marriage! With Flex Seal A̧͐̅ͤ̂͗ͣͬ̅͗͌͋͛̂̄ͨ̃̂̚͟҉͙͙̙̙̲̥̬͙͔̺͜N̵̨̫͍̪̱̣͕͓̯͎̺̰͓̝̘͑͒̋̒̚Y̌̾̉̏͋ͭ͆ͦ̑͌̊̎͏̷͖̞͉̟͔̣̙̦̝̝̦̻̫̼ͅT̄ͧ͑͛̅̽̓͐ͥ̀̔͌̆ͥͥ҉̷͖̯̠̳͍̦͍̙̣̰͕̟͉H̵̢̡̫͎̳̮̖͕̹̖̩̰̲̠͎̩͔̃͛ͮ̽ͩ͝Iͩͭͩͫ͗́̍͊̈́̓̌̍̌҉͈̥̬̞͚͙̰̘̜͈͠ͅͅŅ̷̂ͭͫ̓͊͂ͨ̄͐̂͛͊̈̈ͪͮ̅҉̷͚̠̹̗̯̀G̴̡͒̾̏ͥͮ͐̓͋͊ͦͩ̎ͫ̈̚͜͏̡̮̘̳͇̙̣ ̶̥͈̟͈͈̮̬̘̟̰͓̭̠̲͍̻ͭ̂̎͊ͯ̍ͧͤ̓ͭ̐ͯ̀̄̚͠͞͝ͅỊ̢̞̤͕̗̖̠͖̪̲̗̣̯͕̜̫͕̄̓͆͌͊́͐̂ͧ̚͡ͅŞ̴̶̪̤̜̣͙͙͈̮̱̄̌ͧ̂̌ͮ̐̈́̍̚ ̬̖̮̭͈͔̈̑ͧͭ̀̊̄̌̉͑̄ͣͧ̈ͭͣ́͜P̧̘̺̯͙̤͎̻̣͍͙̺͍̱̘͓̓̅ͥͬ̓̀͜͠ͅO̥͕̤̮̘̤͍̟͕̯̱͎̮͉̳ͤ͑̇̍̾͊͢͟͜͝S̵̛͚̻̞̟̱͎̗͗̑ͦ͐ͩ͗̏ͥ̄̓͂͊͌͆ͮ́̚͜͠S̶̨̢̩̝͇̹͈̳̺̪̭̻̑̔̇̋ͤ͝I̢̡̨̗̩̤̫͚̪̦̩̹͖̎͛̔ͧ̑ͯ͗͛͒̔̚̕͡B̶̸̨̨̜̲̤̼̹̬̩̲̬͉̞̹̳͕̠̳̩͒ͨͨ́̓̓̽ͨ̆͂̋͑͆̄ͮͧ̚͝L̷̨̀ͦ̆͋ͦ͆̍͊̂͂̚҉̡͓̭̝̯̯̣͚̻͕̲̻̝E̶͕̟̯̥͙͖̠̠͓̼͈̖̜̻̘̐̾͋ͪ̑ͣ̆̀̊̓ͥ̓ͨͭ͗̒͆̓̀͘͞ 

IT CAN EVEN STOP THE FLOW OF TIME, PHIL.

I SAWED THIS BOAT IN HALF

SLAP ON THAT FLEX TAPE IT’S NOT A FUCKIN MIRACLE

SLAP IT ON WITH THE MIGHT OF ZEUS

*Epic Music*

THATS NOT ENOUGH DAMAGE

I̸̭̹̻͐͒̏͗ͥ͛̀͡S̷̲̝̭̦̰̫͆͐͌ͥͩ̇͛ͩ́͢ ͉̥̥͚̭̣̞̽̑̽̑̓ͩ͋ͮ̇͜ͅT͕͓̠̳͕ͫͩ̇ͩ́H̯̠̦̯̩͊͂ͨ̑̏ͣǏ̧̢̳̼͙̞͉͔͑S͚̻͇̠͉̰̞͔̮ͮ̉ͭ̉ ̧̲͍̥͔̳̓ͫͣ̑W̨̙̞ͧͫ͗͌͛ͧ̓͌̕͝H͒ͬ͏̵̯̻̪̜͎A̬̰̝ͤͬ̒T̸̲̖͙͖ͧ̂͜͡ͅ ̣̳ͨ͆͐̿̏̚H̘͑ͤͨ̓̉͟A̮̙ͭ͐ͮ̔̋̒͟͞P̝͍͔̱͎̗͚͙ͤ͒ͭͦͮͪͣ̎͢Pͧ̋ͣͯͥ̅̈ͭ͘҉̺̰̥͕̺̪̰E̶̻̪̙̭̳͐͋ͣ̒̆ͫ͘Ǹ̴̦͕͈̮̗̟͖̼͡S̨͙͉̜̦͔̙̯͛̈̂ͥ͂ͤ̿ ̷̶͙͓̼̟̠͕ͩ̓ͪ̈͛̂͟W͇̘͇̜̜̲̯̭̅̂͐̍ͣ͞H͈͔̞͖̮̆̓̒͊̂̃̒͐E̮͇͍͔̠̲̦ͨ̈́̎̂N͒̚҉͇̝͙ͅ ̧̗̦̲͍͛̂ͣ͜͢Y̶̥̤ͥ̾̆͗̐͂͢Ȍ̗̬͓̺̗͗͛ͮ̉ͥ̎̒͘̕Ũ̢̻͓̜̼̞͈̆͠ ͎̥̼̫͎̘ͯ̆̔T̰̬͖͔ͧ̃ͪͥͧ́͝R̨̙̩̪͎̻͚̥̜̓Y͈̮̯̞̼͎̅ͪ̆̚̕͡͡ͅ ̗̩̟͕͍͓͇̊ͧ̀̿ͩͧ̇͝T̿̆ͯͬ҉̸̺̗̺̪͎͙̩͈̜O͇̦͔̖ͤ͌̾͑̐̆ͧͩ̕͡ ̴̛͋̈́̋͗̎ͨ̑̑͘ͅP͎̞̤̥̰͇͉̫͛̅̏̉L̺̳̪͓̘̺̱̜ͤ͋ͩ̇͜A̩̳͛ͥ͋̐ͤ̍ͯ͐Y̽ͪ̀҉͚͍ ̲̫͉͒̆̓͌͆G̡͔̼̖̜̪̫̓̕O̪͇͍͛ͬ͗ͪD̹̬̺̞̜̜̱̬̆ͪ

I destroyed god with flextape

FLEXTAPE IS GOD NOW

“The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.” –Earle Hitchner

A fave of mine was always the american tales where people freaked out because ‘someone died in this house’ and all the europeans would go ‘…Yes? That would be pretty much every house over 40 years old.’

‘…My school is older than your entire town.’

‘Sorry, you think *how far* is okay to travel for a shopping trip?’

*American looks up at the beams in a country pub* ‘Uh, this place has woodworm, isn’t that a bit unsafe?’ ‘Eh, the woodworm’s 400 years old, it’s holding those beams together.’

A few years ago when I was in college I did a summer program at Cambridge aimed specifically at Americans and Canadians, and my year it was all Americans and one Australian.  We ended the program with a week in Wessex, and on the last day as we all piled onto the bus in Salisbury (or Bath? I can’t remember), the professors went to the front to warn us that we wouldn’t be making any stops unless absolutely necessary.  We’re headed to Heathrow to drop off anyone flying off the same day, then back to Cambridge.

“All right, it’s going to be a long bus ride, so make sure you’re prepared for that.”

We all brace ourselves.  A long bus ride?  How long?  We’re Americans; a long bus ride for us is a minimum of six hours with the double digits perfectly plausible.  We can handle a twelve hour bus ride as long as we get a bathroom break.

The answer.  “Two hours.”

Oh.

English people trying to travel around Australia and wildly underestimating distance are my favourite thing

a tour guide in France told my school group that a particular cathedral wouldn’t interest us much because “it’s not very old; only from the early 1600s”

to which we had to respond that it was still older than the oldest surviving European-style buildings in our country

China is both old and big. I had some Chinese colleagues over; we were discussing whether they wanted to see the Vasa ship (hugely expensive war ship which sank on it’s maiden voyage after 12 min). They asked if it was old, I said “not THAT old” (bearing in mind they were Chinese) “it’s from the 1500s.” To my surprise they still looked impressed, nodding enthusiatically. Then I realised I’d forgotten something: “…I mean it’s from the 1500s AFTER the birth of Christ” and they went “oh, AFTER…”.

My dad’s favorite quote from various tours in Italy was “Pay no attention to the tower – it was a [scornful tone] tenth century addition.”

My last boss was Chinese, and she said when her parents came to visit her from Beijing they pronounced Chicago “A very nice village.” 

This post keeps getting better

When I was researching my family tree, I found reputable records all the way back to about 900AD (Scotland - I’m American) and even now I can hardly wrap my head around how long ago that was. Like anything older than 300 years to the Americans is ANCIENT and here I am sorting through church records almost 1100 years old like its nbd

You know how many balls it took for my fat ass to wear a crop top!!!!! At least 3!!!!

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS IS ANOTHER FANTASTIC CANDY WE’RE MISSING I

HOW DO YOU GUYS LIVE WITHOUT TERRY’S

who’s gonna go over to fish and chips piss city and tell these british wanks chocolate oranges exist everywhere 

We weren’t meant to see this version of the post what the fuck

WHAT THE HEC IS THAT I SWE TO FIBLAY IF THIS US AMITHER FANTACLAY CANDE WHEL MIPPLING A

HOL DOKE YOU GINSA LILIP WIPLI TETRU

who’s gilli goshe oppler to film ass chili piss city and telma thelma brill wanks chocolay oranage eximpt evelemere 

am I having a stroke