“Snails!” seems like too radical an intro. Snails have a famously slow pace and so you’d expect all parts of their lives to be reserved, boring. Except…

You’d be justified thinking that’s a snail boner, but snails don’t get boners. Incidentally, “boner” is a misnomer because humans are one of the mammals without a baculum, or penis bone. Anyway, nah, that’s a “love dart.” Snails are hermaphrodites, so all of them get these and then use them in reproduction so sex is often also a duel—“‘pistols at snawn [snail dawn],’ they challenged flirtily.” The function is not entirely understood but you have to appreciate their mythological literalism when it comes to Cupid and his bow. There’s also:

The radula, the collaboration of tongue and teeth that no one asked for. We can only assume that the French were inspired to invent their aggressive mode of kissing from all the escargot. Good thing they’ve got all that slime because if I had to deal with knifey sandpaper kisses and being shot by a crossbow without lube I’d be a snun.

(If Spike was a snail this would be them getting ready for foreplay.)

It’s real snail hours lads